Karen's Toilet
by mrsEdwoodcolongrl
Summary: Karen Brewer finds an old abandoned toilet in the dumpster of Stoneybrook Academy. What should she do? R&R.
1. Surprises in the Bowl

**Karen's Toilet** by mrsedwoodcolongrl

_Chapter 1: Surprises in the Bowl_

"Flush, flush, flush," went the toilet. I watched the water swirl around it and I began to feel dizzy. If I feel even a little bit dizzy I tend to throw-up and I did not want to throw-up. Not today.

Who am I? I'll give you a hint. I'm an annoying seven year old girl with blonde hair and blue eyes and a bunch of stupid freckles. Still can't guess? You are gigundoly bad at this game!

My name is Karen Brewer and everyone in my two families (that's right I said T-W-O) love me. I would explain to you why I have two families but I already decided that I don't like you and I'll explain it in chapter twenty so it'll be pointless and you'll be confused the whole time you're reading this.

So Karen Brewer's my name and I'm in the second grade. I only failed it eight times according to Wikipedia with the exact same people in my class (they've failed it eight times too). I have two mustaches. The blue one is for reading and the pink one is for the rest of the time.

There's a witch that lives next door to me and her name is Andrew Brewer (I'll explain more about this later, just kidding I probably won't).

Anyway, I was standing near my toilet when I noticed that I wasn't in Connecticut anymore, I was in my bathroom!

"Ring, ring" went the phone.

"I'll get it!" I replied as I raced to where the phone was.

I was upset when my dorky stepbrother Michael David cut me off and answered the phone. When I asked him who it was, he said it was some guy that called and I was like, "Some guy? How dare he call again!" Boo and bullfrogs, I guess I would have to wait until after dinner to play with the toilet again.


	2. The Results Are In!

**Karen's Toilet** by mrsedwoodcolongrl

_Chapter Two: The Results Are In!_

After dinner I decided to sneak out of the house and go to the park to blow some bubbles and skip and frolic. I smiled as I ran out of the house with the last rice krispie treat with all of my jealous family members chasing after me. This was the best day of my life!

By the time I got to the park it was already dark outside and I began to feel upset because I ate twenty pieces of bologna before I came here and my stomach hurt gigundoly bad. I walked around Stoneybrook Academy (which is right behind the park) and there in front of me was my best friend!

"Why hello sir dumpster," I greeted to the dumpster, "What kind of goodies have you got for me today?"

I stopped into the dumpster and began to dig through it's contents, after five hours of no luck and only twenty-seven splinters to show for it, I climbed out of the dumpster and began to head back home. I stopped when I saw something below my feet. It was so round, so beautiful, it was…

"A toilet!" I shrieked, "A very special toilet and it's all mine!"

I ran over to the toilet and began to hug and kiss it. Then I stopped and started to think. Oh no, what if Mommy and Daddy make me share this toilet? What if Andrew the witch wants to use it? Oh no, oh no, oh no!

Then I had a sneaky idea. I would lug the toilet back to the big house and hide it under my bed where no one will ever find it and then it'll be all mine and no one elses. "Karen Brewer, you are a genius!" I said to myself, and I grinned back because that's what friends do.

It took me a few hours, but I finally got the toilet inside of the big house. It didn't quite fit under my bed though, so I had to stuff it under the dining room table. But don't worry, no one will ever find it there…I hope.

The next morning Daddy came into my room. He was holding the toilet, he did not look happy.

I pleaded with him to let me keep it, but Daddy said 'no way sister' and so I had to lug it out of the house and push it into one of Daddy's rosebushes. I hope he's happy, he ruined my plan for world domination-I mean, my plan to own my very own toilet.

Double boo and double bullfrogs.


	3. Daddy the Meanie Mo

**Karen's Toilet** by mrsedwoodcolongrl

_Chapter Three: Daddy the Meanie Mo_

It was three days until I told anyone what had happened. By Saturday, I was so upset about Daddy kicking my toilet out of the house that I decided to tell Moosie about it. Moosie felt sorry for me, or maybe he just felt sorry for himself because he had to listen to me complain about Daddy making me throw my toilet into the rosebushes for three days straight.

When I finally got out of bed on Sunday, I realized something. Maybe Daddy didn't want me to have that toilet because he was afraid that I would ignore everyone in the big house and spend time only with it for a month (just like I do every time I bring home something new from the dumpster). But it wasn't my fault that suitcase full of banana peels was more interesting than Charlie's graduation!

Either way, this wasn't going to stop me from seeing my toilet. I quickly threw a dinosaur costume on and raced outside into Daddy's rose garden. Grabbing some very dangerous hedge clippers, I ran over to the bushes and began to cut them into pretty shapes and patterns. When I stopped back to admire my work I frowned. "Needs more pizzaz," I said to myself, "Needs more Karen Brewer!"

Then I went and got the hose from the side of the house and crazy daisy from the garage and put them both in the backyard. I attached crazy daisy to the end of the hose and turned on the water. The daisy flung water all over the yard, I watched it for a while, but then I got bored and went over to the rosebush where I hid my super secret toilet.

When I opened the rosebush something didn't seem right. "My toilet!" I cried, "Somebody stole my toilet!" I was gigundo mad. Who would do such a thing? And then it hit me, how could I not see it before? It was none other than one of Andrew Brewer's witchy spells! "How dare he," I said, "How dare he steal my toilet!"

I stomped across the big house's front lawn and came to the witch's evil lair. "Andrew!" I called from the roof, "Andrew Brewer give me back my toilet this instant!"

"What the password?" chimed the witch from his witchy lair.

I sighed, why are witches always so difficult? "It's Karen's Toilet!" I exclaimed, "The secret password that no one should ever hear or know about is Karen's Toilet!"

"Very well," said Andrew, pressing one of the buttons on his television remote. I watched as the world began to rumble and a giant hole appeared out of nowhere right underneath me.

"Well isn't this a pleasure?" I asked as the hole sucked me into the evil lair and into the darkness of Andrew Brewer's mansion.

Triple boo and triple bullfrogs.


	4. Mr Toilet Away!

**Karen's Toilet** by mrsedwoodcolongrl

_Chapter Four: Mr. Toilet Away!_

I awoke to the sounds of crunching. As I sat up I couldn't help but notice how much roomier the evil lair looked from the last time I saw it. I couldn't believe it. "Andrew," I said, "What did you do to this place?"

"Ahem," he spoke, stroking his mustache, "I prefer to be called Andrew Brewer the Atrosciously Evil Witch."

I groaned, why did he always have to be addressed like that? Then I began to feel jealous because Andrew had a rainbow colored mustache and I only had two mustaches: a blue one for reading and a pink one for the rest of the time. Right now I was wearing the green one because I was attending a royal meeting with an evil witch, seeking to obtain my best friend Mr. Toilet!

"Listen Andrew the whatever you are, I know you have my toilet so give him back to me before I SCREAM!"

"Sorry, no can do Karen," Andrew replied, taking out his harmonica and playing a sympathetic tune, "You can't have Mr. Toilet, he's one of mother earth's creatures!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" I screamed up to the stained glass ceiling of Andrew the Atrosciously Evil Witch's evil lair.

I ran into the kitchen and grabbed some oranges, after juggling them for half an hour I raced out of the evil lair and ran toward the big house. I ran through the door and into my bedroom. I was about to flop on my bed when something hit me on the leg.

"Mr. Toilet!" I exclaimed hugging my white-rimmed lover, "I missed you SO much!"

I kissed and hugged Mr. Toilet for about twenty minutes until something decent came on television (which was a long time considering this season).

"Ding-dong!" went something that makes that sound.

"I'll get it!" I exclaimed before racing to the front door and knocking over all nine members of my big house family in the process.

I opened the door only to find my favorite person in the whole entire world!

"Karen!" my brother Morbidda Destiny exclaimed, throwing her arms around me.

"Morbid!" I shouted in her ear.

"Karen, dollface, how are ya? Why does the cactus grow?"

"Because if it doesn't then you're going to be getting a mouthful of pie!" I completed, causing us both to laugh and hug each other again.

After five hours of telling terrible jokes my brother finally stepped into the house, where we sat on the couch and watched my favorite television show…The Teletubbies in Outer Space Mooba! I was the prettiest most intelligent show in the universe and everybody LOVED it, even Mr. Toilet! Jealous? Natch.

Double double boo and double double bullfrogs.


	5. The Dorks in My Class

**Karen's Toilet** by mrsedwoodcolongrl

_Chapter Five: The Dorks in My Class_

I woke up the next morning feeling gigundoly proud of myself. After all, I had gone a whole few minutes without complaining about something. "Daddy! Sam's face is funny," I whined as I walked down the stairs and headed for the bus – whoops.

I raced down the stairs, tripping my least favorite brother in the process and stormed by the kitchen, knocking over a few of Nannie's prized cakes along the way. "Next time, make chocolate!" I exclaimed as I walked out the door, arriving for the bus stop in record time.

When I got there I found one of my two bestest friends in the whole world (well actually I'm her best friend, but she's not my best friend because I, the amazingly fabulous Karen Brewer, is best friends with myself), Hannie Papacrapis, or something like that. Hannie was standing there with some dork carrying a "backpack." I huffed and put on my designer sunglasses that make me look like a movie star and ignored them until the bus came. Then I pushed Bobby Gianelli into the street so I could have a few extra minutes to think about all of the great activities that I was going to do with my toilet after I got home from school.

"Ta-ta Mr. Toilet!" I shouted in my super duper door voice, waking up some whiney kid in the neighborhood. I smiled as the bus driver came back on the bus, dragging a very angry and muddy Bobby with him.

We drove for about fifteen minutes until we arrived at my really prestigious fancy pants school that only people that love the Karen Brewer can go to. I stopped out of my seat and ran out of the bus, just like I do every time there is a fire drill. I raced into my classroom and sat in my seat. I sit in the front row because I am the best and of the highest pedigree.

I smiled as all of my lame classmates came in. First Pamela Harding, my greatest enemy (since everybody that's powerful and important needs to have one of those), followed by her two minions Leslie and Jannie, who were wearing matching puppy skirts, and then muddy Bobby Gianelli. Next, the other girl that calls herself my bestest friend walked into the room, Nancy Dawes, who really looks like she needs a shave. Then I got bored looking at the weirdos in my class and I started thinking about toilets for a while.

Using my best acting talents I raced to the front of the room and imagined that I was the head of the toilet company. "Everyone, what is the best thing about toilets?" I screamed to my classmates, only Ricky my pretend, pretend husband twice removed answered.

"That they come in different colors?" he said, picking his nose.

"Shut up Ricky, nobody asked you!" I screamed. Mommy says that I am not allowed to say "shut-up", but she never made me sign a contract saying that I couldn't.

All of a sudden I heard footsteps behind me as my dorky classmates raced to their inferior seats. "Karen Brewer, what in the world are you doing?" a voice called out from the doorway.

I turned around and there was…a giant bumblebee!

I mean, Ms. Cotman.

_Stupid Natalie._


	6. A Surprising Announcement

**Karen's Toilet **by mrsedwoodcolongrl

_Chapter Six: A "Surprising" Announcement_

Ms. Colman or should I say Ms. Coolman, cause that is what I usually call her when she is taking attendance and telling me to use my indoor voice because I like saying "here" through a megaphone, stood up in front of the class and said five hundred of my favorite words in the correct order, "I have a surprising announcement," she said.

"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!" I said bouncing up and down in my seat, "Is it about my toilet?" I asked gigundoly excited.

"Now Karen, you know that everyone is required to raise their hand so that they can be granted permission to speak," Ms. Colman answered, menacingly holding a flashlight under her chin. She shook her sassy finger, "Don't make me get the counselor in here."

"Aww man, not again!" I said, snapping my fingers to the tune of the My Little Pony theme song, "Hey, where's the dwerby girl with the droopy droop socks?"

"Karen! I'm over here!" Natalie, the dork answered, taking her seat between me and Ricky my pretend, pretend husband twice removed.

"Can it Natalie, Ms. Colman is about to give us a surprising announcement!" I shouted in her face like I was competing in the "Most Annoying Child" contest again. (Mommy says that no one can quite give her headaches like me!), "Or should I say, Ms. _Cotman_."

"Gosh Karen, can you let that go?" Natalie snorted like a pig, "So I accidentally misspelled her name on the engraving for her wedding present, who cares?"

"EVERYONE!" I shouted, standing up on my seat like a giraffe. I felt gigundoly tall.

"Karen, Natalie, class is supposed to be a calming environment," Ms. Colman begins, a soothing tone in her voice, "SO WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN, SHUT-UP AND LET ME FINISH MY SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT BEFORE I AM FORCED TO BRING THE PRINCIPAL IN HERE!" she growled. All of the kids lean back terrified, "I mean uh, anyway. In two weeks we will be taking a trip to Hal's Hardware Store in the most dangerous part of Helena."

I raised my bedazzled hand, "But wait, I thought Hartford was the capital."

"No, Karen, we – along with your closest friends and family - have actually been lying to you the entire time," Ms. Colman says sweetly, "We all actually live in Montana, not Connecticut you silly, stupid little girl you."

"Hehehe!" a bunch of kids giggle behind the bushes outside.

Suddenly, all of the characters that have ever appeared in the series – living and dead – pop out from inside the supply closet and circle around the room dancing.

"Haha Karen, we fooled you!" they chimed, "It took seven and a half years to set up, but it was totally worth it!"

Well, now I was going through an identity crisis. Boo and bullfrogs.

"_Just wait, you'll get yours_," I thought to myself as I put on my super cool and trendy movie star glasses in epic slow motion, "_I'll get my just revenge, or should I say, just __toilet__?" _I smiled, taking out some of Mommy's old lipstick and smearing it on stupid Hank Reuben's face, "_After all, Hal's Hardstore Store has never come up against the Karen Brewer. So you better watch out!_"


End file.
